12: 48

Its 12: 48 in the morning right now, and my mind is producing an unruley amount of thoughts on me (and not to mention the amount of sleep i havent gotten is kind of putting me into an awake coma. And i cant stop thinking of dolfins in life jackets when this happens). I am not sure where i am going with this, but i am letting it do the do. (none of this will probably make sense because i am probably not really awake)
First question to myself; how do i fix whats going on. All of it, because strangely enough i think i welcome the danger of friendship and heartbreak.
I love to see all your smiles , and it seems to me, that location has absolutely nothing to do with my ability to see them or not. Whether you are here in my city, close to me, important to me, or in another country. I find myself loosing those smiles either way.
The fact that you can be so close to me, but i cant see you anymore, is just as painful as being 3000 miles apart from me.
I miss you both. close or far.
I am here now, and i can not change that. And it would seem that my presence here is no different then my absence. I don't feel any different. I still cant have those i want. And i still miss those i love.
i dont know what i am saying. But i am seriously mixed.
This is so much harder than i thought. I am kind of terrified of what is happening. But i did it once and i know i can do it again.
Love is a magic that we all have in us, thankfully. But where does it take us.
where will it take me? What will i do for it?
i certainly can not give up, But it does sand down a lot of my willing components. It is all around me, but my hands just can not catch it. It feels like it will always be distant. In my head and also in the flesh.
I wonder what it will be to see you again, when i do.
Will my love surround me or hide behind my tail. Who can really say, is what i say.
I guess i just want to feel it, for reals, with no strings attached. No distance. No complications. Just love. up down and around me. It will come.
so onward to my own spanish galleon inside of me. To the death! Just me an me forever!